There is a jolly group of freaks who want nothing more than Christmas year round. They want to sip egg nog on Easter, listen to Christmas carols on the Fourth of July, and start decorating the house on Labor Day. For the rest of us, a solid six to eight weeks of being merry is about all we can muster.
Festive as we may be, we all need limits. The holidays aren’t special if we celebrate them year round no matter what those classic Christmas films might tell you. It would appear, however, some of you need some guidance because that Elf sweater needs to stay in your closet a little longer there, buddy.
So, here it is, your definitive guide to holiday cheer. This is happening. Don’t fight it.
When to accept Christmas decorations for sale in stores.
One Week Before Halloween
Commercial establishments have special rules that don’t apply to the rest of us. When it comes to selling decorations, they need to get started early. Is it jarring to see a sweet inflatable polar bear directly across from a gnarly hag screaming bloody murder at your local home improvement store? Sure. But, the poor workers at many stores need to get ready. This is the biggest time of the year for them and we won’t begrudge them that opportunity, but if we see a flocked tree at Macy’s before November 1, someone at corporate is getting a strongly worded email.
When to accept commercial holiday displays.
November 1
Infuriating is probably too strong a word to describe the feeling of driving down a popular city street, seeing red and gold tinsel dripping from lamp posts when the temperature is still above 80. It’s more annoyance than anything. But, regardless, no one should be putting Santas in place of ghouls before Halloween or trading in slime for garland until the first of November. We don’t recommend tearing down decorations you see before November 1. The people who got paid to put them up were just doing their jobs. But, if you see a reindeer nose on the grill of a car while kids are trick or treating, we won’t tell anyone if it goes missing.
When to accept holiday themed commercials on TV.
November 1
Banks and beer companies can do plenty with scary Halloween themes and heartwarming Thanksgiving scenes before getting into Christmas, but we do allow some leeway for merchandisers given that Black Friday is less than a month away. Still, let’s try to stick to the mainstays of the biggest shopping day of the year: electronics, toys, etc. We don’t want to see any BMWs with giant bows on them before Thanksgiving…or maybe ever.
When to accept hearing Christmas music in public.
Partial: November 15, Full: Thanksgiving Day
This comes with some serious controversy. There are those among us who secretly blare “All I Want For Christmas is You” in their cars deep into the heat of the summer months. You know who you are. On the other hand, the Scrooges among us would prefer “Wonderful Christmastime” be sealed in a time capsule for some poor suckers to discover in the next millennia. We don’t necessarily agree on the Sir McCartney ditty, but those chipmunk bastards have got to go…
Moving on…we should all expect to hear the first inklings of “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” (whichever rendition you hate the most) dripping from speakers in stores around mid-November. However (and it’s a big however), no venue should be doing more than a 8:1 ratio of holiday-to-normal songs before Thanksgiving. That’s when the easy listening stations go to Christmas 24/7 and when the rest of us start to dig on “Last Christmas” and the soundtrack to A Charlie Brown Christmas (the greatest holiday album ever and there is no argument that can convince us otherwise).
When to begin listening to Christmas music.
Black Friday
For those of us who choose some musical cheer, Black Friday is a good time to get that party started. If you are shopping for the holidays then, it gets you in the mood and it isn’t tough to find. But, don’t overdo it. Overdosing on A Very Special Christmas is easier (and perhaps more dangerous) than getting hammered on eggnog at the holiday party and barfing on the HR manager. Take some advice and ease into it. Start with something instrumental like jazz or the Trans Siberian Orchestra before beelining it for the hard stuff. If you aren’t careful, they’ll find you curled up with a punchbowl of mulled wine listening to “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” on a loop while sobbing softly into a green and red pillow that says “Naughty/Nice.”
When to begin putting up decorations.
The Weekend After Thanksgiving
Another controversial topic, we saw people hanging lights while we were taking down our Halloween decor. “Too early!” we shouted into the abyss. We absolutely love beautiful lights, inflatable snow men, trees draped in finery. We just don’t want to get burned out on it. The weekend after Turkey Day, assuming you aren’t traveling, is the perfect time to get our your lights and test all 10 million of them before stringing them across your house providing enough light to illuminate an airport runway. It also gives you time to pick up supplies like extension cords and spare bulbs, while making sure both your life and health insurance polices are up to date and will pay out for falls and electrocutions.
When to start watching holiday programming.
The Weekend After Thanksgiving
Yes, this includes Hallmark movies. We personally recommend beginning with holiday-adjacent movies and slowly moving into the more traditional variety. By the time Christmas rolls around, you might want to see 24 hours of A Christmas Story. Then again, you could just turn on Love, Actually and realize that Hollywood fooled us into believing this ridiculous nonsense film was actually good, then decide you’d rather visit a part of the world that has never heard of Christmas or Hugh Grant for the holidays. Either way, problem solved!
When to stop listening to Christmas music.
December 26
Honestly, it might be more like noon on Christmas Day once the gifts are opened and everyone is just begging for it all to stop. Even those of us who truly enjoy all kinds of holiday music want to rip out our ear drums and wish “Do They Know It’s Christmas” had never been written. Maybe we think that anyway. Maybe you do too?
When to stop watching holiday programming.
New Year’s Day
Anyone who says that this should be sooner has never seen Rudolph’s Shiny New Year and we feel sad for you.
When to tear it all down.
The Second Weekend in January
We see you with your shriveled up dead brown trees at the curb on Valentine’s Day. So does the HOA and you know they are always watching. Don’t do it. As soon as New Year’s is over, drink plenty of fluids, take some ibuprofen, take one weekend to relax and enjoy those decorations one last time. Then cram every last ornament back into those boxes. Ball of the strands of lights so tight, you’ll never get them unwound. Who cares what happens 11 months from now? You’ll feel invigorated and definitely use that new gym membership for, at minimum, two to four weeks before realizing you’re not working off that sugar cookie fat and getting back to your normal grumpy non-holiday self again. We all recognize that misery. Welcome back to real life, and to all a good night!
The post When It’s Ok to Begin (and End) Christmas: The Definitive Guide appeared first on Houston Press.
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